The Salad - The Black or White Egg

No gray egg about it.

I get in trouble, again. I left 10 minutes early, after closing, at 9:20pm, instead of 9:30pm. The clock-watching egg checked my time. I told her that she's being ridiculous.

-Closing duties were all done.
-We were dead all day & night due to the tropical storm Ida brewing in the gulf.
-We had no tables, no business.
-It was my first day back from surgery.
-I came in 2 hours earlier to cover a waiter's missed shift. Working over 10 hours.

That doesn't matter, she says. Well yes it does. It matters because I'm tired! It matters because I'm not appreciated when petty matters like this come up.

I don't understand why she can't be just a little over-easy?

The Salad - No Black Olive

The Black Olive, co-worker, gives her notice. She's leaving the Wilting Salad.

We think she's teaming up with Beet. Doesn't make sense when Beet beat-up and bullied Black Olive also.

Low Stoops

The dating track of about 2 years before Cape:

Name; Looks; Duration; Dumper/ee?
Todd aka Small Penis Man (1inch)-did not have sex!; avg; 1 month; dumper
Luke aka womanizing weasel; hot; 2 months; dumpee
Scott aka Asshole; a humpty dumpty; 1 month; dumpee
Cameron aka young hot Mormon; hot!; 2 months; dumpee
Nicholas aka young & depressed; hot!; 2 months; dumpee
Cort aka dead-beat dad & drunk; kissed like a lizard but hot; 2 months; dumpee

Meltdown

A Plan:
-Get married
-Move in with partner
-Stay with current job until Catelin or Capen or Catelin and Capen or Catelin and Sophie or Capen and Jack arrive.
-Start new job when he or she or they arrive.

Another Plan:
-Move in with partner
-Eventually marry or not??
-Stay with current job until house is renovated and fully rented out
-Get an inspiring and enjoyable career, with less pay, less/no benefits

Another Plan:
-Quit job
-Move in a hole

Being Followed - Part 6 - In and Out

Cate was upset. Afraid of dying. Worrying that she was going to die. Going under was scary. Second thoughts catered the room. Cape wrote on her hand "Fibroid" to make sure that was what the doctor ordered, to get Jr out. But If something would have gone wrong, the doctor would have had to perform a hysterectomy on Cate anyway, to save her life. That scared her.

Cate kissed Cape goodbye, and a few seconds (2 hours) later she woke up in a white bright room with a man and a woman talking about her. Jr went for some testing. And she started cramping and bleeding, which is normal after a D and C. They drugged her more to get rid of the pain and nausea, but other than that she was fine, the surgery was successful.

The doctor told Cape that he couldn't have sex with Cate for a month. She wasn't able to masturbate as well. Well maybe clitoral?

In and out of consciousness, Cate mumbled to Cape something about Wal-Mart, a friend stealing her shoes and then put nail holes in them, then ending with a desire to have Cape's baby, all the while chewed-up crackers rented a room in Cate's mouth during her three bazarre comments over a 3 hour recovery period in the hospital.

An hour later, Cate was released. Found in an alley all alone, she was begging for change to get a ride home. The 39 year old was use to getting dumped. She had never had a boyfriend past 2 months.

Being Followed - Part 5 - The Attack

The Doctor's office called to see if I could come earlier for surgery.
Fi Broid Jr was scheduled to come out today, arrival time 3:00pm. They just called and wanted me to come in earlier to surprise the little fellow. The best I could do was 2pm.

I guess I should make that will, just in case Jr gives me trouble.
Cats, house, car, electronics, contents. Check.
Anything else? Oh, I'll tell Bart to get rid of the black box in my apartment. If he forgets, Msh, you're on the job. It's under the bed. Still lots of good AA batteries in there.

Tango Twist

The schedule was tight for leisure. The booking agent scheduled Cate 10 straight days of gigs in Buenos Aires. Cate had studied Tango there before with the famous Norma and it was great to see her old friends again upon her return. Her acts included:

See You Manana

The Player

Dancing with the Ghost

The acts were successful, and received raving reviews. Cate was networking for future gigs. Life was great, until one dark night when she disappeared.

* * *

CON-MAN CARPENTER FOR HIRE

$30/Hour

Not Licensed
Not Insured
No Tools
No Accountability

That's fair.

I charge you for materials only, but slide tool receipts in there too. I'll get the wrong materials and charge you for returning them to get more of the wrong materials. I'll do this for months, keeping it real, putting in the hard hours, while you're working or healing from an injury. I'll go as long as I can go with this cushioned job.

"Shawn, how much would you charge to fix this 2ft x 5ft floor?" The client asked the "skilled" carpenter.
"Well, that's a 2 man job, I can ask my friend to help. He charges $15/hour, but he comes with his own tools." Shawn said.
"Well what kind of tools you need? A hammer and nails?"
"Yea" He replied.

The work you get is just SUPERB!

- Caulk on counter tops.

- Human hair stained into hardwood floors. Plus polyurethane spills in corners.









- A-line grout between slate pieces. Plus visible glue and missing grout.

-Sheetrock octagon arches.

- Plus Much More!

Once I get found out, I take no responsibility. No apologies, I just cover up and make excuses: "It's not my expertise."

Call Shawn or Reynolds
You can facebook me too!

I'm hot and I'm an actor.

I'll make you believe I can do good work on your house.

Crushed - Even in Dreams

The red head guy from "Go" spoke to the man in charge about me auditioning to become one of the dancers. The man in charge said he would allow me only 2 auditions. The red head guy knew that 4 was the number for me to win the judges over. The red head guy flipped out some money from a briefcase to buy another 2. They discussed more. And I was waiting for the answer, but I knew the answer would be no.

A Dog in Therapy

It was summer and I was 16. My friend, Kristi, recommended the movie "I Spit On Your Grave" to rent at the local video store. A rated R movie, it sounded interesting. We watched most of it, but my Dad came home early from work. The movie was in the vcr and I couldn't get it out in time enough. Dad said he would watch it with us, not knowing what the movie was about. I tried to lie about the movie, but I wasn't skilled enough. Got blue marks from the belt.

I wonder what Msh's cool city parents would have done?

I grew up with religion country-bumpkin hick-folks where fixing a dog or cat meant they were broken. Dad didn't believe in fences in the yard cause our dogs wouldn't have the freedom to roam around and dig into the neighbors' garbage.

We were treated like dogs growing up, but our dogs were free.

The Salad -- The Boiling Egg

I was scheduled for a 10 hour shift. The boss wanted me to come in early to work a 14.5 hour shift to help out the team. I was 15 minutes late. The boss wasn't too happy with me. I thought she should have let that one slide, since I'm on time on a regular basis, and, I did arrive 4.25 hours earlier than my regular shift, to help out the team.

Then I got in trouble for being on time.

Crime Scene: The Ghetto Guessing Game

"Ya gots a quarta?" the intruder asked on demand.
"Whaat?" I answered in confusion and tried to speak the bro language as he stood me on the bed like a paper doll.

I don't get ghetto talk.

"You knows, a quarta?"
We went back and forth with "whaat?" and "quarta?" a few times.

I wondered if he was asking for a quarter so he could use the pay phone to tell his Mama he was running late cause he got with a white girl--against her will of course.

Wouldn't he just ask for money or a purse or wallet instead of being so specific as to ask for a quarter?

I don't know the reasons why he would ask for a quarter instead of bigger bucks.

Well a quarter is bigger than a dime and, he did ask for the biggest of the common coins, I reasoned with his strange ghetto talk request. But, I am also having a conversation with a street punk idiotic rapist. Does he even know the difference?

Sure I have a quarter.

"Knows, a quarda," he spoke louder.
I guessed again, but with a louder response, "A camcorder?" as I shrugged my shoulders.
"Yeas, a corda."
I finally got it right. What a relief. Now he might leave.

Coincidence

These last few days or so, I've been thinking about the time I was raped and the fact that they haven't caught the guy.

It's been almost 7.5 years. I usually think about it every April. For whatever reason, I thought of it just a few days ago. I even started writing Chapter 1 this past Saturday and had thoughts of different opening scenes. The one I had chosen for now was when the overweight dark-skinned detective cased the scene and asked me if the rapist made the cluttered mess on the sofa rummaging through my things. And my answer was "no, that's my mess". I'm not a good housekeeper.

I got a phone call today from the detective. They arrested the rapist last week.

Being Followed - Part 4 - The Suspect

His name is Fi Broid Jr. He's a bloody little bastard, growing up, gettin' bigger, an aggravating littl' character, to say the least. Investigators advise me to act normal, according to plan, so they can make an attack on him when he least expects it. The aim is to get him while I'm asleep. They been tracking the little devil around for a while, since the Buenos Aires fall. They didn't take notice of him, well, until I complained that he was following me around. Maybe he's been there for years, but lately he's been taking a more active role and has become extremely aggressive and obvious. Investigators' plan of operation is to take him out on October 7th. Shhhh, keep this under your hat.

Being Followed - Part 3 - VULGAR

STOP IT YOU BLOODY CUNT!!!
That's all you did for 3 of the 4 weeks.
Thanks for the 3rd week off.

Why you stain my panties with your bloody vomit chunks?
You can't hit the pad while I sleep?
Why you have to blow it out to the back
like it's coming out of my asshole?
Looks like someone shot someone's brains out,
leaving the guts behind.

Pussy is tired and sore from holding & clenching on
to the ultra thick super size tampon that absorbs
your daily jelly globs of goop.

Why you such a bloody bitch?
Can't you be a FUCKING PUSSY!?!!!!!!

Failed Effort

I don't wear a bra when I'm lounging around my house. I've been known for getting my mail, which is right outside by my door, without a bra on. Okay, I've also taken out trash and gotten things out of my car without a bra on as well. Alright, I've sat on my porch and I've even answered my door from deliveries without a bra on. I'm okay with this.

But Bart doesn't like the fact that I run around without a bra on. I do it because I'm more comfortable and I don't care. But Bart says he knows what guys think and it's for my safety and protection to cover up. He's right since I live in the heart of crime, in a New Orleans neighborhood.

I wasn't wearing a bra when Bart and I decided to take a short drive. We were going down to the local convenient store to pick up some dinner. In and out. That's it. I decided to put my large brown scarf over my white tee shirt, with covering up the important part of the boobs. I was proud of my last minute invention.

Bart picked me up and we went to Verde Marte. I thought I was pretty savvy, I do say so myself. Getting away without wearing a bra and wearing a shaw over my shirt in the heat of the hot August New Orleans month.

But I didn't notice that my shaw moved away from my hard nipples when I opened the door and the strong breeze met the still hot air.

I was looking at the meals at the deli and noticing that the guy at the deli counter was staring straight at my breast. But I thought that was strange, given that I was covered up so well.

We ordered and waited for our food and Bart comes up to me and asked, "are you cold?" Excited about my cover-up boobs invention, I answered, "No Sweetie, I didn't want to wear a bra and I'm using this to cover up." And then he responds, "you would of never noticed the way your beamer lights are on."

Being Followed - Part 2

I woke up from a nap and put my right hand underneath Cloe's body. I wanted to get rid of the pain my body was feeling so I thought maybe something heavy, like Cloe, could steer the pain away for the moment. But her pounds failed me.

This is the second day of menstrual pain. I usually only experience one day of it. I have a migraine too. I'm loaded up on prescribed menstrual medicine. The menstrual pain has been traveling with me nonstop.

Earlier I ordered a McDonald's run from my neighbor friend, Nathaniel. "2 mcdoubles, 2 small fries, and 1 small sprite please." All on the dollar menu. My body craved meat for the low-ironed body. I left only a small fry. The food didn't help. Now I have to take a dump. The pain went to the bathroom with me.

The imitrex took in and I took a nap. I woke up later with the migraine gone, but the menstrual pain dreamed with me. I was in a store shopping for a pair of white open-toe shoes. I saw a lot of nice looking shoes, but no white ones. The closest pairs were two-toned. But I knew it was difficult to find a pair of solid white shoes given that the fall season in retail just took off. I analyzed the different unique styles of shoes. There were no price tags on any of them. I wondered how much they cost. The shoe store was next to the very expensive huge Coach store that I dared not to enter into. I skipped a wallet store too, to search for another shoe store. But then I woke up to Fraidy Cat on my head. I wondered why I would dream such a dream like that. I'm not in the market for shoes, I hate shopping, and I valved not to buy any clothes or shoes this 2009 year. I've been successful so far.

Stinky was by my side too. I guess they were all waiting for their Mommy to feed them as all three napped along with me. Mommy Cat doesn't feel good yet.

I've been having unusual periods-longer, heavier, and painful- since the Buenos Aires' sidewalk fall and the ladder fall. I got checked out by my doctor and she said that my unusual periods and the 2 falls were not linked together. It just happened by consequence at the same time. It can be corrected by surgery, but I didn't want to be operated on. I decided to pain it out with prescription medication and monitor it. Scraping and more, plus not able to drive home wasn't appealing to me.

The pain followed me to the shower. And then lingered with me to the kitchen to feed the cats. Now I'm trying to write the pain away. It isn't working yet.

Calling You Out

Hey Carpenter Porch Guy,

I know your type. I've seen it before. Thanks to Shawn, David, & Cort.

You have trouble cashing a check.
You have no licence and you're not insured.

You're either a drunk or a deadbeat dad on the run. Or both.
Family emergency. You disappear. Bullshit!

I bet you would have finished the job if you had not gotten paid in advance. Luckily for me this time, I didn't authorize payment until the job is finished, so the middle man doesn't get his cut yet.

From: A Dried & Tired Asshole

Limited

8 months after ladder fall:

The wrist snaps.
Tail bone could use a few naps.
The legs ache.
The pain I take.

The wrist ain't a cereal but cracks & pops.
Tail bone's no cushioned mop.
The legs hurt tight.
I constantly fight.

The wrist's stiff.
Tail bone could use a lift.
The legs sometimes limp.
And then I'm a gimp.

The Perverted Phone Survey

"Hello. Who's this?
Sure. Why not. Anything to help out your census.

Almost every day. Sometimes I take a day or 2 off though.
And I'm not interested during the heavy days at all.

My best time has been clocked-in at 3 minutes.
I can go as long as 22, but 15 is about average.

The 2nd one comes right away. Within 1 or 2 after the 1st.
However, the 3rd one takes longer than the 2nd,
but not as long as the 1st.

Well, usually 3 before work, unless I'm running late.
I allow about 15-20, but sometimes I only have 5 to spare.
But I've been known to have 2 in 5, and 3 in 6 or 7.
But if I go for 6 or 7, I have to make up time. You know, like cut something out, so I usually eat in the car on my way to work.

When I'm off from work, 6 is usually the number.
Sometimes I'll have 3, take a 2 or 3 hour break,
then go for another 3.
Or 6 in 1 setting, but not usually.

Best time is right after a shower.
Late afternoon is a good time too.

Alright. Glad to help. Thank you.

What? No I am not playing with myself. What am I wearing? No, that's disgusting. No! Who is this again?"